The one where Phoebe learns guitar — Patter

The case

Most people who want to learn guitar stop before they start because they don’t know where to begin, and the place they think they need to begin — scales, music theory, the correct names for things — is not actually the beginning. It’s somewhere in the middle. The actual beginning is just picking the thing up and making a sound.

The problem with taking something seriously before you’re good at it is that you have to be bad at it for quite a long time first. This is fine. It is, in fact, unavoidable. The question is whether you can be bad at it without it meaning anything about you — whether you can name a chord the Sad Hamster and play it proudly to your roommate and not need it to be more than it is yet.

Most practice routines are designed for people who already know why they’re practising. This one is for people who don’t know yet, who are going to find out by doing it, who will write something embarrassing and then something less embarrassing and then one day something they actually want someone else to hear. The loop backs are not failures. They’re the whole method.

You don’t need to be ready. You just need to close the door.

The one where Phoebe learns guitar

Pick up the guitar. Both hands. Check it's the right way up. The hole goes in the front.
Tune it. Or don't. If it sounds "kind of musical" it's probably fine.
Ask Joey to please stop saying 'je mappel jlopele blu blu' in the other room. He thinks it's going well. It is not going well. Close the door.
Place fingers on strings somewhere near the top. This is the Sunshine Claw. It doesn't have an official name but it should.
Strum once. Did it make a sound? Good. If not, check your fingers are actually touching the strings and try again.
Decide if the sound was good. "Interesting" counts as good. "Like a cat falling" does not. Either way, keep going.
Name the chord. If you don't know what it's called, name it yourself. The Sad Hamster. The Finger Pretzel. The One That Sounds Like a Question. These are real now.
Ask Joey to please stop saying 'je mappel jlopele blu blu' in the other room. Yes, again. He has started again. He always starts again. Close the door properly this time.
Learn the G chord. Put three fingers on the strings in a way that feels like you're gripping a very small, confused animal. Strum. If it buzzes, press harder. If it still buzzes, that's the G chord, actually.
Learn the C chord. This one is called the Sunshine Claw officially. Or it is now.
Try to move between G and C. This is the hard part. Your fingers will not cooperate. Have a little cry if needed. Then try again.
Write a song using only G and C. You have everything you need. Most songs are basically this. The words are the important part anyway and you've always been good at words.
Perform the song to someone. Anyone. Joey will listen. He won't fully understand it but he will say it's great and mean it completely.
Add a third chord when you're ready. The Sad Hamster. You'll know when it belongs.
Write Smelly Cat. It will come when the chords are ready. Don't force it. You'll know it when you hear it.
Call Joey and offer to teach him guitar. French is not going to help him get auditions. Guitar might. First lesson: you learn here first, then here. Do not let him touch the guitar until you say so. He will try. He always tries.

Make it yours

The most important step is step 12. Not the chords, not the tuning — writing something. A lot of people learn guitar for months without ever writing anything because they're waiting until they're good enough. Phoebe never waited. The songs came first and the technique worked itself out around them, more or less.

The chord names are not a joke. Naming things you don't have words for yet is a completely legitimate learning strategy. It gives you something to refer back to, something to build on, and something to laugh at later when you find out it was a G the whole time. Bear Claw, Turkey Leg, Old Lady — all valid.

The loop backs are the point of the routine. Most practice routines are linear — learn this, then this, then this. This one isn't, because learning an instrument isn't. You will go back to step 5 many times. That's the routine working correctly, not failing.

When the door-closing step becomes unnecessary — when Joey has moved out, or given up on French, or you've learned to focus through the blu blus — remove it. The routine should shrink as your circumstances change. Keep the parts that are still true.